2021

A bit of a different year round up this year.

This blog originally started out as an aid for the depression that had crept up on me at the beginning of 2018.

I initially went down the NHS route but had found it frustrating, and part of me felt like a failure; trying to deal with this black cloud hanging over me but not finding any of the tools being offered, at all successful.

So I thought I’d dig my heels in and make myself go out and be in the world rather than withdraw (my then preferred method of trying to deal with things).

So I found tiny galleries in East London, photo exhibitions at the Hayward Gallery, plays that my friends were in, anything that meant I had to go out and participate, and slowly the depression wilted.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2021.

I started coaching, I didn’t realise then how much it would change me, how aware I would become of my mind, my body, and the world around me.

I remember one particular early session where my coach read statements I had made back to me, acting like a mirror, and it was a pretty hard pill to swallow. It sounded like I was tired had given up.

One of the biggest challenges, I discovered, when you start coaching, is facing your badly devised coping mechanisms, what worked in your childhood, doesn’t work in adulthood.

Here’s where I’ll be honest, I’m still actively working on a few of these.

Some of you know I have endured a very narcissistic relationship in the past which left me with some issues/triggers that are still requiring work, it’s like untangling a gold necklace in thick, black oil.

However, I am at a point where I am thankful for the experience, I would never have gone through so much deep introspection otherwise, it’s given me the gift of awareness.

If there is one tool that I have found invaluable throughout this, it’s journaling. It’s enabled a lot of breakthroughs and shed light on the unconscious, giving me more power to deal with and let go of things in a healthier way.

Another revelation for me has been my diet, I mean, it sounds obvious, but what you put into your body has massive consequences to how you feel. What you consume is the ultimate sign of how much you respect yourself.

Another part of this journey has been about the things I own, I have felt the overarching need to throw out a lot of things that now feel like clutter. Things I thought I wanted last year are just not a priority to me anymore.

The truth is I’m still dealing with outdated patterns, trying assuage old triggers that pop up, and dealing with all the emotions that come with those too, and it feels very confrontational at the moment trying to wrestle with my old self concept whilst forming the new. And I’m starting to win.

So yes I have been to places, had fun, seen the beauty in the every day. But if anyone has made it this far, and is to take anything from this, it’s to do the self work.

And with that, I look forward to 2022 and the challenges and opportunities it brings for growth because things are already starting to look pretty good to me.

* If you wanted a bit of backstory of my deep dive, you read this post from 2018, although I have made much progress since then*

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